Filed under: me
I’ve had long (ish) hair for about ten years. I got sick of it. Yesterday, I had it all cut off! Not short-short, but in a kind of a layered bob. I can feel the air on my neck – weird! I’ll try to post a pic very soon, because I don’t think it will last long. My husband is a long hair man, and he is not too sure about this look!
It has been such a source of solace, this time of not working. I don’t think I have done much, or accomplished a lot, but my heart and mind and spirit is at peace and that is the best thing that could have happened. I have decided to go back to work for this last term, which is coming up suprisingly quickly. I think I need to have a sense of closure to my teaching career at this point. It is time for a change, but I need to say goodbye to the old for this last term.
I have so enjoyed the slowness of this time. Waking up as my husband slips out of bed to get ready for work, dozing as he showers, then waking more fully to lie and pray with my eyes closed, seeking my Father as He puts thoughts on my mind. I pray most for others in this time; it is good to be quiet and still and think of these needs.
I can sip my first cup of tea for the day in peace, slowly, allowing my thoughts to run over the day’s plans and my eyes to enjoy the stillness of the morning-garden. I get up to exercise at leisure. My days are mine; time with a friend, gardening, shopping, cooking or learning a new skill. I can seek Him at any moment. I have been writing, too, and am halfway through a little nativity play for our children to perform this Christmas at church.
My husband loves that I am at home, not just because he hasn’t had to pick up an iron or wield the vacuum cleaner, but that I am happy and alive, not battle-weary from work and the cares of life.
This has been a good time.
Filed under: me
I have some photos I’d like to upload and post (just from my phone) but the last couple of days have been very average. I have spent a lot of time in the little room, and have been suffering from the most agonising cramps that make me writhe with pain and unable to speak, about every thirty minutes and lasting about ten minutes. Not fun. I’m not sure how much sleep I got last night, but this morning I’m cautiously optimistic – just a dull ache and a sense of nausea, much better than yesterday. I was even thinking of getting some antibiotics, that’s how bad it was. (I never take antibiotics!)
The gall of it is that I don’t think I’ve lost a single pound. What’s with that?
I decided to do a bit of a detox/Daniel Fast this week. I am doing fine with the fruit, vegetables etc, it’s the COFFEE or lack thereof that is killing! You wouldn’t believe how much I have whined (in my head) about not being able to drink that delicious, soothing, energizing brown nectar……ahhhhh….coffee….snap out of it! Another sip of disgusting delicious green tea, that will do it. I am amazed, too, at how often I usually snack. I have found myself wanting to grab a piece of cheese or some yoghurt, or something else verboten about twenty times a day. I can’t believe what a big part food plays in our lives, for nourishment but also for sheer pleasure. It is good to break a habit and a craving. If only these nasty headaches would disappear.
In other news, I’ve spent a lot of time this last week preparing for our Cambodia trip. Not the teaching, yet, but the planning. We are going to do a mini stopover in Singapore which I am really looking forward to. My hubs has been working very, very hard and a little break will do him good.
Today is the first day that I am officially ‘home’. School is back, but I am not. I feel strangely adrift, unsettled, uneasy. I feel like tiptoeing around my house, as though I am disturbing its workday slumber. I should be happy, but it all just seems too quiet, a day without meaning or purpose. I’m not sure if I like it. Is it ok to listen to music? Is it ok to enjoy myself if my husband is busy at work? Should I have a list of accomplishments to present him (and others) at the end of the day?
There is a lot to do – cleaning, gardening (put off for weeks), freezers to clean out, cupboards to sort – but I can’t seem to get started. I can’t seem to shake off this sense of guilt. I know that I need to transition from work to home, from being defined as a teacher, respected for my knowlege and skills, to just being me, defined by my status as a child of God. It is suprisingly hard. I know that I need this time in many ways. I know that I have much to learn from the great Teacher, but I think it will take me a while to become used to this new phase. I have lots of plans and dreams, but I’m not really sure where to start. I have a list of things to do, but I’m not sure if my priorities are right and good. It is all very strange.
If you had all this free time, what would you do?
A friend was telling me recently about her ‘lifesong’ – the hymn ‘How Great Thou Art’. I was musing in bed the other evening on the beauty of having a lifesong and the way a song speaks of who we are, who God is to us, what He has done and is doing in our lives. I rolled over and asked my husband, “What is your lifesong, honey?” He replied straight away, “Bringing Sexy Back”. That kind of killed the philosophical moment, and much laughter ensued.
Speaking of bringing sexy back, I am enduring a nasty throat/chest infection that has occupied most of these holiday. Noice. I’m so thankful that I have many weeks of ‘freedom’ ahead, despite being house-bound for most of last week.
What to write when you haven’t written in quite some time?
I’m still trying to process the fact that I will be taking off the whole of next term. My darling and I have been doing a lot of talking, and we both think I am due for a nice long break from teaching. Fourteen years is a long time, and I do need some breathing space in my life. I am looking forward to deconstructing my life a little bit, and allowing God to re-align me through that most precious of gifts, time. Sometimes in order to step into the new you need to break away from the old, even if it feels like you are stepping into a chasm.
What will I be doing? I hear you ask.
I have no idea. All I know is that this is right and good, even though it feels like all that is normal and secure has been shaken up vigourously.
Filed under: me
I went to my *cough*-year reunion on Saturday night. It was an interesting experience. I probably haven’t mentioned it (and don’t mention it to many people) but I attended a private girls’ school, very expensive, very exclusive. While I have many fond memories, and a sense of thankfulness for the wonderful things I learnt there, there were also some attitudes and ideas I needed to let go of as I discovered that the world was not the rosy place I believed it to be from my uniformed, be-hatted ivory tower.
I’ve kept up with a few girls from school. Of course, we’ve all gone our different ways and many of us are following vastly different paths. It was interesting, though, walking into the room and seeing the same group of girls, only older, and with many years of experience under their belts. There was something that most had in common, though, that is imparted to you by that type of school. Every girl carried an indefinable air of prosperity, a sense of economic and social comfort. This did not come from the designer clothing that most sported, or the sleek hair-styles or the fancy setting. I remember leaving school believing that what I wanted would come to me, that I could do and be what I set my heart to. I don’t think this is a bad thing. School seemed to impart such a sense of self-confidence that, despite one’s gender, anything was possible. I carried this with me when I left.
It was the same on Saturday night. Without talking to them, I could pretty much guarentee that most of the girls would have good jobs, good incomes, and live in reasonable homes. You could see prosperity around them. I was trying to explain this to my husband, and I don’t think he quite got it. I probably haven’t made myself clear here, either. Having said all that, I know many of the girls have been through tremendous hardship and pain, and you could see that, too. This was a separate thing.
I know I want my children to walk with a sense of confidence in who they are, not because of money or social status, but because of their status as children of a King. I know that self esteem does not come wholly from surface things, but I aim to build in my children that same sense of security, that that would not walk with a negative sense of who they are, but a belief in themselves and a sense of prosperity, in its best sense, around them. Whether I would go as far as sending them to the school I went to (if we have girls!), I’m not sure. We are planning to home-school, but one never knows what can happen in years to come. Having taught in public and private schools, I know which one I lean towards at the moment.
I must mention that some girls women still carried the old snobberies/group mentalities from years ago. I had to giggle as some looked straight through me. I was thinking that twenty years is long enough to let go of high school mentalities? Maybe not.
It wasn fun, though, to catch up with old friends, drink champagne cocktails and hear about children and husbands and amazing jobs. I feel so vastly removed from those days, being an entirely different person in many ways, and yet being with the girls women made it feel like yesterday.
So I’m back. I like this blogging thing, but I do wonder if I have what it takes to keep this going. I’m not even sure who reads anymore (anyone?), but I do get so much pleasure out of others’s blogs, I’m going to have another go at mine.
I’m not sure why I left it so long. It’s not like I don’t have anything to say. Silence has never been one of my strong points. I must tell you a story in passing. Not long after we first got married, we were driving somewhere and listening to our favourite cd at the time, U2’s ‘Vertigo’. There is a song on it with a line that goes something like this: I want to step inside your head and spend the day there, hear all the things you never said, and see what you might see.’ In a romantic, newly-wed daze, I turned to my husband and said,
“Would you like to step inside my head and spend the day there?” thinking what a lovely, romantic notion this was. He replied,
“Well, not really. It wouldn’t be a holiday.” Lucky for him, I’ve got a great sense of humour and this made me laugh out loud. He is not one to pander to my whims. I like to talk, a lot. I have assured him that only about 50% of what is in my mind comes out of my mouth, though. I’m not sure if he is relieved or worried by this.
*******
This has been a droopingly hot, hot summer, one of the hottest I can remember. When you get day after relentless day of temperatures in the high 30s and early 40s, and nights that do not cool below 30 until about 5am, it saps any semblance of life and energy out of your body, and leaves your mind a tired, inspirationless blob. At least, that’s my excuse. We are so thankful to have a/c, but it is only one little box on the wall in the living area, and the bedroom and this room remain sweaty-hot. The weather broke about four days ago, and it is utter bliss to pull one’s duvet up to one’s chin, and sleep deeply, in the cool of night. Everything is more pleasant: preparing a meal, putting on make-up, watering the plants – all without a little trickle of sweat running down one’s back. Ugh. I am not a summer girl. You can imagine what school is like in this weather. Hot, teenage bodies, after a lunchtime spent running around on the oval or playing basketball. The smell!
I am loving being part-time. I get so much joy out of working on the stuff for church, and my Thursday play-day. It is delicious to wake up on a Thursday morning and have nothing to do, nowhere to go, except where pleases me. Love it! We have been very busy with church stuff, which is demanding but I am in awe at all the Lord is doing. I ache with love for Him and His ways.
In other news, we have been house-hunting. This is an exercise of faith, as the prices around here are unbelievable. I just know that God is going to do something miraculous for us. It would take both of us working full time, even with my husband’s excellent income, to afford to buy anything resembling a decent 3 x 1 home. I am so relaxed about this. I know we will get something good.
It’s pretty hot around here. Our mornings consist of opening up the house first thing for an hour or so, then battening down the hatches with the a/c running and a glass of cold water somewhere within reach. I can’t remember a day below 35, lately, and there are a lot more to come. I hate drinking a cup of tea with the fan going full bore just so I can bear it. We’ve got an evening sea-breeze, tonight, so everything is open, but it is still pretty warm.
I can’t believe that school starts next week. These have been the fastest six weeks! About two weeks ago, I had a very strong feeling that I wouldn’t be teaching for much longer. Over the last couple of days, the feeling has become even stronger, almost to the point where I’m wondering if I did the right thing in saying I’d work this year at all. I just have the strongest sense that my time there is Done. We’ll see what the next few weeks hold. I can’t pull out without reasonable notice, so I’ll have to see how the term goes.
I’ve also had a strong sense lately that the Lord is bringing back into my/our lives some people from the past. I have some very dear friends who just kind of meandered away out of my life for the past three or four years, but I really sense that the time has come to renew some of these ties. There have been some interesting things happening lately that have kind of shoved people back into our sphere. I have a sense of expectancy about 2008.
On a different note, did I mention that I’m only teaching three days a week this year? That is going to be a blessing in itself! One day will be my day ‘off’, and on the Wednesday I will be working at the church office, which I’m really excited about. I’ll be working on ourtreach stuff – we’re setting up child sponsorship in Cambodia, as well as supporting our church there and a number of pastors and leaders. We also have six remote villages that we help out, financially and spiritually. I’ll be co-ordinating much of this, jsut while the project gets going. I’m also the co-ordinator of our Children’s Church, and we are doing lots of cool stuff this year, so I think my Wednesdays are going to be rather full!
And on another entirely different note, I took great delight this evening in the fact that I could go into our garden, gather about twenty little tomatoes from three or four different varieties, slice them in half and drizzle them with olive oil, and then scatter wild rocket on top, also from our garden. It is very satisfying to eat something you have grown. I am also enjoying right now a cup of peppermint tea, made with mint from our garden topped with boiling water. We did not, however, grow the dark chocolate M & Ms I’m about to have with the tea.
